Friday, May 27, 2011

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How To: Survive The Wilderness

        All right, so summer's just around the corner, and many guys are going camping. Many men and women have went to the wilderness to go relax, but my times, they get a tough time. Why? Because they're not used to it. So, just read this, you know, if you don't wanna get in some goddamned trouble with Mother Nature.

        First of all, bring a backpack with everything you need. A tent, a couple of knives (in case one gets lost), rope, flashlights, flare gun, cell phone, food, water, antivenom, band-aids, magnifying glass (to build fires), towel (to cover your head if you're exposed to the sun a lot, sunglasses, and if you can find one, a guide to all the plants and small animals in the region.

        Now, if you're going to stay for a few days out in the wild, then you need to be able to protect yourself. Build a shelter out of sticks and rope so you can sleep in there. If you run out of food, then look for a fruit-bearing plant, and if you can, kill a small animal. Build a fire and eat it (of course, don't eat stuff like the bile, you can get sick from that) and read your field guide for poisonous plants and animals. Why? So you don't run into poison ivy or touch a damned animal that will leave you wishing for death to arrive.

        If you run into a wild animal, then use the knife for defending yourself. Still, if you run into a grizzly bear, don't do it. Play dead and wait for it to leave. DO NOT CLIMB A TREE, as bears are excellent tree climbers. If you run into a wolf, then be careful, as they're pack animals. If you have permission to use a rifle then use it.

        There are a lot of hazards in the wilderness. You could run into some quicksand. In that case, drop all you've got, especially shoes, breathe deeply (as you'll float better) and if you have a stick, try positioning yourself over it. Don't panic, as it won't help at all, and do slow movements to get yourself out. Why? Getting a foot out of quicksand at one centimeter per second takes as much strength as lifting a medium car. Do it slower. Now, you'll only drown up to your waist in quicksand, but be careful, because if there's a tide, you could drown. Remember, quicksand doesn't suck you in like in the movies, it's just sand with water. Slow movements are best for escaping.

        If a poisonous snake bites you, don't be an idiot and suck the venom out. Why? If you have any type of wound in your mouth, or accidentaly swallow the poison, then you'll probably remain poisoned. Use antivenom to get rid of the poisoning symptoms.

        Now, if you get lost and can't find your way back (which is stupid if you have a phone with GPS) use the flare gun and hope that you'll be found. If you run out of flares, do a smoke signal.

        All right, so the most sensible thing to do if you get lost is finding a stream of water. You will never go thirsty and many creatures go to streams, so you can build traps. Unless there are crocodiles, you might want to move more downstream.

        All right, so this is all I can help with. Just one more thing. Do not, under any circumstance, eat white berries. Well, if you are going camping, then have fun, and follow my tips to be safe. Godspeed.