Saturday, June 25, 2011

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5: Real Life Superheroes

                So everybody wants to be a superhero. Well, some people are born with special abilities. We call them those guys in the Ripley books. Let's take a look at a few of these people born with super awesome powers (curse you, destiny!)

5: Ben Underwood
    Power: Echolocation

                What the hell is echolocation? It's the ability to find out where you are by making a noise. It's like sonar. The noise bounces back to you. So this guy, Ben Underwood, plays basket, rides on a bike, and has a normal life. When he lost his eyes due to cancer, he started teaching himself to use echolocation, and is the only person in the world with that ability.

I'm blind and I can see better than you, stupid dolphin!

4: Liew Thow Lin
    Power: Magnetism

                 This guy's picture is quite famous. He's a 70-year old contractor in Malaysia, who gained attention when he pulled a car with a chain that was connected to a plate on his chest. He says that after reading of a family who had such power, he placed some forks on his abdomen and they stuck. His descendents also have this power, so he figures it's hereditary. 

I didn't steal the silver coins!

3: Tim Cridland
    Power: The Inability To Feel Pain

                   Tim doesn't feel pain. He impressed a bunch of foks when he stuck needles into his arms without flinching. He says that it's mind over matter. I say it's a bunch of f*cked up nerve endings. The guy can resist extreme heat and cold, but he's studied human anatomy. Imagine puncturing your own artery. 

*Sobbing* Nope, doesn't hurt at all.

2: Buddhist Monks
    Power: Pyrokinesis

                   Buddhist monks know a bunch of sh*t we would dream of knowing. These guys can lower their metabolism by 64% if they want to. You lower it about 14% when you sleep. Yeah, compared to them, you're stressed in your sleep. Well, they also have the ability to generate heat from their fingers and toes. About 17 degrees higher than the rest of the body. This allows them to survive in conditions that would turn you into a popsicle. 

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and he will be warm for all his life.

1: Das Uberboy (Unknown Name)
    Power: Super Muscly Body

                   This kid was born in 1999, seemingly normal, but then something was noticed. His muscles were twitching. The doctor concluded he was showing his guns, why? The kid was ripped, as sh*t! What happened? There was this stupid, X-Men style mutation that occured, called Myostatin. Farmers use it on cows to make them super muscly. Yeah, it's impressive. I can imagine the damn kid carrying tanks by now. 

7 months old, already stronger than me.
                 So, yeah, if you need a hero, go to one of these guys, they'll save your ass. Imagine Das Uberboy in 10 years. He'll be 19! That's something, ain't it? Well, that's all I've got for now, see you guys later...