Sunday, June 5, 2011

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Things That Don't Come (And Come) In The Bible

        Ah, the Bible. Many people claim to love it, yet they don't know it at all. Did Satan really tempt Eve for her to eat the Forbidden Fruit? Did a whale eat Jonah? What is the number of the devil? Let's see a few of these translations and mistranslations.

        First thing we're going to see is angels. They're virtually recognized by everybody. You know them, glowing dudes with wings and harps and swords, protecting humanity from harm, etc. Well, while they do appear in the bible, really you'll find stuff that seems to come from nightmares. Now, there are archangels, cherubs, and seraphs. Some do have wings, like the seraph, who has six. They need these wings so as to not leave anybody they bump into blind.

ANGEL.
        There are also thrones, which are a wheel covered with eyes within another wheel with eyes.
Can it see?
        All right, so angels are one thing, but then you'd be thinking, what about cherubs, the little dancing babies? Well, you know chimeras? Yeah, it's something like that... I won't get into the details. Now, let's see, what's up with Lucifer.


Satan.
         People say the devil's a faun, has horns, a goatee, a pitchfork, lives in hell, etc. Not a bit of that comes in the Bible. Lucifer wasn't ever really described, physically. Really, all of that mumbo jumbo comes from a bunch of Renaissance artists looking to spice up their work. Similarly, the Holy Grail was just a plot device for King Arthur's story.

        Now, also, you guys know the story of the antichrist. A false prophet that will rise to power, and fool the entire world and run amok with the apocalypse and sh*t. Well, in reality, an antichrist is somebody who doesn't believe in Jesus. So really, call Richard Dawkins an antichrist, hell call a Buddhist an antichrist, or a Hindu.
Richard Dawkins, an antichrist.
        Now, how can anybody get hell wrong? The lake of fire, the nine circles, filled with demons whose sole existence is to torture your sorry soul for eternity, the sinners and atheists there, burning forever.
And Dennis Quaid.
        In reality, the only thing that's said of hell is "And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth". That's it. Again, artists took the liberty of showing Hell as a fiery lake from which there is no escape and is horrible and that there's no worse fait.
Except, you could be Dennis Quaid.
        Also, supposedly, Hell is runned by Satan and his fallen angels, but really, they suffer like everybody else. Those bastards. There's also a few quotes that don't appear in the Bible. Let's see.

  • Moderation in all things.
  • To thine own self be true. (Shakespeare)
  • Money is the root of all evil.
  • Once saved, always saved.
  • Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  • This, too, shall pass.
  • An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
  • God helps those who help themselves.
  • God bless America.
        So, if you claim to really know the Bible, check again. It's really important to know your religion if you're going to base your beliefs on some book, but if you don't know the book, then how the hell will you properly follow your religion? So yeah, read the Bible and all so you don't go to Hell.
And run into Dennis Quaid.