Thursday, July 14, 2011

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Harry Potter Up Until Now (No Spoilers)

                 All right, so I decided to resume the series into a few paragraphs so people who have lived under a rock and have never seen these movies (how the hell can you live!?!) know what's going on. 

I: Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone

                Harry's born, his parents are dead and he's left with his uncles, said to be the worst muggles to have ever existed. Muggles, then, are said to be boring, non-magical beings (like you!). Harry meets Ron (a ginger) and Hermione (a nerd), and they have adventures around the castle, where ultimately Harry meets Voldemort, who had been using a professor to move around. Somehow, Harry wins.

Shit's about to go down.


II: Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

                This time, Harry and his friends start seeing weird shit in Hogwarts, and decide to lay off the acid for a while. Then, they fight giant spiders and a basilisk (huge-ass snake which kills you if you see his eye directly, you know, Medusa), and Harry kiss Voldemort again. Oh, there's a house-elf around there too.

I iz wiz u gais.


III: Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban

                 The only movie with no mention of Voldemort, and made by a Mexican, starring Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, and everybody else as everybody else. He escaped from prison to raise Harry Potter. Of course, he fails. But he's a good guy. 

We should try this everywhere.


IV: Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

                 Harry enters the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Hermione starts to look beautiful, and dates a Russian, Ron gets jealous (gingers have no souls), Harry fights dragons, Edward Cullen dies (drinks all around!), and Voldemort is back, now with a body for his own self. 

Getting ready for the ball.


V: Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

                 Harry wants to join the Order Of The Phoenix, but is too small. He makes his own army, storms into the ministry to look for a crystal ball, and gets his godfather killed. Stuff gets sirius now (see what I did there?) and everybody's tired of this sh*t. 

Who do you think financed Russian Quidditch?


VI: Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince

                 Harry finds a book which let him cheat in chemistry (sorry, poisons), and he learns a new spell. Merlin dies and the emo teacher turns out to be the Half-Blood Prince,whatever the hell that means. 

Hermione trying to lower his stress.


VII (Part I): Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows

                  Harry goes into hiding from Voldemort, destroys some horcruxes (parts of Voldemort's soul), is in love with his best friend's sister, a weasly gets married, and everybody is happy. Oh wait, life sucks. Nopt even Hogwarts is cool anymore. Stay tuned for the last part of the saga of Harry Potter!