Monday, October 31, 2011

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How: Death Feels

                     All right, so today's the day, and I thought I'd answer a few questions about how death feels. Not how you feel after dying, but how the process feels. This is answered with a scientifical point of view, not any religious points of view (as you remember, I'm an atheist). There are many ways you feel while you die, I'm going to mention a few variations...

DROWNING

                   So, you guys know how this goes. You fall into the water, you start trying to climb an invisible ladder, and you go down, slowly, surely, to stay there in your watery tomb. So, how does that feel? At first, when the water enters your lungs, you'll feel a burning sensation, as if your lungs are on fire. This is worse if the water is cold. After a small while, that turns into tranquility, not because some holy hand is reaching down on you... It's from the loss of consciousness, from lack of oxygen. 

HEART ATTACK

                  Now, this one... this one's taken some people dear to me. I think that after reading this, they'll find out why the deceased had a very serene face in the funeral. Movies have over-dramatized this form of passing away, so here's how it really is. The victim starts having a mild discomfort in the chest, a sort of tightness, if you may. Victims describe it as an "elephant on their chests", which is the result of the heart struggling from lack of blood. 

                  Some victims delay assistance, because they're not sure if they're having a heart attack, and some even deny it, because they think they have a cold. Denial does cost lives. People who get assistance can survive 30 more days if they get to the hospital on time. Aside from that, not much pain is felt, just a lack of energy, and then there's sudden brain death.

HEMMORAGE

                Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it takes a while. Death is quicker if the major arteries are severed, for example, during a car accident or a huge fall. If a smaller vein is losing blood, the victim will take longer to die. This makes the victim weak, thirsty, and finally anxious. After a while, all blood is drained from the brain and the person is no longer alive. 

FIRE

                    Fun Fact: When somebody dies during a fire, it's not the fire that kills somebody, it's usually the gases. Hot smoke usually enters through the nose, making it impossible to breathe. Fire inflicts inmediate pain, but it usually subsides quickly, after destroying your nerve endings. Also, adrenaline makes the pain go away, but after it's gone, it makes pain come back in, quickly. Of course, carbon monoxide knocks you out first, so, you don't have to suffer through that.

DECAPITATION

                   Now, this one's usually instantaneous, if not almost. Of course, the executioner has to be skilled, and have a sharp blade. If not, this can end badly. If under the guillotine, it takes exactly 7 seconds for your brain to consume all the oxygen it has left. There was a queen who was decapitated once by an axe-weilder, but it took him 3 blows to finish her, before using his knife to make sure she was dead.

ELECTROCUTION

                    This one's actually faster, the brain and heart stop working since they're the most sensitive to electricity, so death is usually swift. 

FALLING

                   Usually, falling from a great height is very quick, because terminal velocity is simply extremely fast. The safest way to land is feet first, as this protects major organs. The other thing you could do is be drunk. Of course, usually your body is simply destroyed upon impact, but survivors usually end up very injured. 

HANGING

                    Now, this depends on the hangman's skills, but there are a few ways this happens. The short drop could make strangulation, which is slower, and of course, causes more suffering before the blackout. The second one is to make a longer drop which will break the spine of the hanged man. This is way quicker. The quickest way is a longer drop, which decapitates the victim, but this was embarassing for headsmen, so they went with the second. 

LETHAL INJECTION

                   This was designed as a method for dealing with criminals quickly and humanely. The problem is that witnesses have reported seeing inmates convulsing, vomiting, etc. The anesthesia doesn't render them unconscious enough, so they are aware during their execution. They literally feel the pain of their organs shutting down. 

                   So, yeah, sometimes death feels different than what it seems to feel like. Of course, it sucks. Death always sucks, but everybody has to die sometimes. It's a problem we'll never get rid of, so, of course, don't take this as a message to get depressed. Do the opposite, enjoy life while you can, oh, and of course, happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

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5: Most Epic Rampages In The History Of War

                      Guys, you've hit the refresh button more than 6,000 times, so today's post is going to be full of epic shit. So, war has winners and losers, and sometimes, those who are losing turn into rageful beasts and turn the tide completely. This article is about those guys whose balls are so big that the orbit of the Earth tilted a little after their heroic feats. So, here you are, and pray that one of these guys doesn't haunt you in your sleep. You won't come back. 

Gladly.

5: Herbert Christian

                     June, 1944. Herbert Christian was on patrol in Italy with 12 other men, when they were suddenly ambushed by 60 Italian troops. As soon as he told his soldiers to retreat, a tank ran over most of his right leg, crushing it until right above the knee. 

You shouldn't have done that, bro.

                     Rageful, Herbert propped himself on his thighbone, filled his machine gun with a new round, and killed 3 Italians. Not happy, he started dragging himself towards the enemy, while his squad retreated. Leaving a river of blood, he killed yet anothe Italian, when the rest concentrated all their fire on him. They killed him until he was dead. True story. 

It looked something like this.

4: Mikhail Panikakha

                   Mikhail was a soldier who volunteered to participate in the Battle of Motherfucking Stalingrad. The Germans were about to win. There were 12,000 Russians at first, and they got reduced to dozens. So, all of a sudden, a German squad attacked Mikhail's position, aiming to separate the remainder of the Soviets. The Russians were able to fight off the first wave. The second wave came, with tanks that drove over the trenches to bury their enemies, including Panikakha. 

The end of this story's way more awesome than this.
                   Our baddass Russian grabbed a couple of Vodka bottles and made up molotov cocktails. He climbed out of the trench, when a bullet shot one of the bottles, leaving him engulfed in flames. He didn't give a shit, climbed on top of the tank, opened it and threw the other one in the engine compartment. Both the tank and Mikhail exploded, and the Germans were now scared shitless of the Russians, so they retreated. 

This is what basically happened.

3: George Cairns

                   You ever heard of a man capturing a hill single-handed? George was a member of the Chindits, a British troupe which was dropped off in the jungle in Burma, with the objective to build a landing strip for backup to arrive. The problem? The Japanese were already in control of a nearby hill. When asking for advice, HQ just told them to kill the bastards and get back to work. 

They were great at whistling work tunes.

                    They went to the hill and started fighting. Most was hand-to-hand combat, with bayonets and katanas. In the battle, George's arm got chopped off by an officer. This sent him into a rage that cannot be matched by any other, and he wrestled the sword out of the Jap, and started killing anybody and everybody in range. After a while he fell, lifeless... because he ran out of blood. The rest of the Chindits started charging in the same fashion, and the Japanese ran as if they just saw their kids get an A on a test. 

Never chop off a Brit's arm.

2: Leo Major

                    Leonardo Major was a private in the Regiment the la Chaudiere, and got his first taste of the war when he was dropped in Normandy, where he destroyed a half-track and had his eye burned out by phosphorous. He convinced the army to let him fight, and kept touring through Europe. One day, Canadians arrived and were going to blow a small town, but they needed to know how many Germans there were. Leo and a friend accepted the challenge of scouting it out. 

Challenge accepted.

                   Since the guys didn't want to blow the town, they decided to capture it themselves. They each grabbed a machine gun and waited. When they decided to strike, a Nazi turned around and shot down Arsenault (Leo's friend). Understandably, Leo got pissed off. He killed those in the immediate area, and grabbed ammo from the now Nazi-empty ammunition nest. 

The same guy who didn't stop fighting because he lost an eye.

                    Not only that, he unmounted a machine gun, strapped a rife to his back and carried a shit-ton of grenades. He started walking around town, shooting down any patrols he saw. He found the local SS headquarters, killed everybody, burned down the building and then tried to convince everybody it was safe to come out now. 

Like this, but slightly more badass.

1: Jimmy Robinson

                   The place was fucking 'Nam. Charlie Company was assigned to get a batallion of 400 men fucking dead. The plan went kind of wrong. Charlie was pounded by its own artillery, and also the enemy's. Robinson started running around, killing snipers with a grenade launcher, saving medics and distributing resources. 

One of these guys is better than the rest...

                   Suddenly, an enemy machine gun started opening fire on the circle, killing off many Americans. This didn't please Jimmy at all, who started running to the machine gunner in serpentine. A tracer shot got him in the pants and set them on fire. He ripped them off and kept running to the machine gunner, a grenade in each hand. He was shot twice in the chest (making it 5 bullet wounds for the man) and hurled his grenades to the machine gunner, blowing the hell out of him. He saved dozens of american lives. 

Producers of pants-burning maniacs.

                     These guys... these guys are fucking GODS. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

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Operation Darknet

                     All right, so as I had explained, Anon had waged a war against child pornography. Here's news of a victory they just had. The group attacked a website called Lolita City, which, used to be the biggest child pornography site which was available with anonymosity via an encryption program. 

                     So, what happened? The guys at anon started removing links to child porn on the secret wikia. Administers started reposting them again every 5 minutes, and Anonymous found out that the links had the Freedom Posting fingerprint. They issued a warning so that the content could be removed, but the company did not comply. 

                     What did Anon do? They started attacking the site by creating a 1 Gigabite SQL and posting 5,000 pics of the Guy Fawkes mask every 5 minutes. The next day, Freedom restored service via backup servers, so Anon gave them 3 hours to shut them down. They had to take down the server again, and uploaded episodes of Chris Hansen's Dateline to the page. 

                     After shutting down the site, Anonymous released the names of the 1,589 users of Lolita City, with username, number of images uploaded and age of the account. They invited the FBI and Interpol to continue investigating the records. 

                    Anonymous, many people love you, many people hate you, but you do what's right, protect the weak, and fight the good fight. I shall keep tracking their progress on Operation Darknet, and give news of the results. 
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5: Most Disgusting Candies In The World

                    All right, so yesterday, I posted about the most disgusting foods in the world. Now, we shall talk about stuff that everybody loves. Candy. Candy's the best. Candy's always there when you need it, and has many shapes, and sizes, so many, there's not a person in the world who hates candy. Oh wait, you haven't seen...

5: Hotlix Candy

                  Okay, so maybe this one's sweet, but tell me, how many people do you know that can go through the whole lollipop? (God knows I have). Not anybody can eat through a bug (Protip: Ignore the bug, it's still delicious). 

It's not so bad (eat the scorpion).

4: Ant Candy

                   This is basically the same as the Hotlix, except you're throwing ants into a bunch of hardened sugar. It doesn't seem that bad, but, again, some people don't have the courage to eat everything they find (cowards). 

Nice...

3: Tuna Tidbits

                   This is just plain weird. Tuna fish simply, mashed, mixed with chemicals not even god can name, and sugar added. The first person to eat fish-flavored candy here gets... nothing. I ain't up for giving up prizes to stupid people. 

Somehow, I feel this is made for cats.

2: Durian Candy

                   This is candy which just smells plain fucking gross. They say that it has a scent of pig shit and gym socks. It's forbidden on the public transport system. Oh wait, that was the fruit. Imagine compressing all of that into a bag. 

DON'T YOU DARE OPEN THAT SHIT!

1: Jujubees

                  Seriously, that shit's gross. 

Get that shit out my face, my gut just filled with bile.

Monday, October 24, 2011

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5: Most Disgusting Foods In The World

                    All right guys, Halloween is a week away (FUCK YEAH!) and I have bestowed upon me the responsibility to show you the 5 MOST FUCKING, GUT EXPLODING, BILE PRODUCING HORRIBLE FOODS EVER! Enjoy. 

5: Baby Mouse Wine

                   Who's so sick as to even consider tasting this scum of scum? The Koreans. yeah, somehow, these guys decided that putting dead mice fetus(es(?)) into wine would be a great health tonic... Well, if taking it away counts, then, great.

                   Supposedly, it tastes like raw gasoline. That actually tastes better than what it looks like. So, are there any chances that we start eating it in the Western Hemisphere (or anywhere out of Korea, for that matter)? No, I wouldn't really drink anything where a fetus would enter my mouth by accident, I don't know about you guys. 

Thirst quenching.

4: Balut

                   This one's extremely fucking gross. I wouldn't eat if even if they offered me Miss Universe to bang (especially the current one, she's damn ugly). All right. Get ready to puke from the description. Balut is a duck egg, incubated until the duck inside was feathery and shit. Then, the egg was boiled with the duck alive. That's Balut to you. 

Oh, god of the grossness, please, remove this atrocity!

                   So, what's going through people's heads in the Phillipinnes? Insanity, that's what. They're sold at night by street vendors. Supposedly, the bones and feathers give the egg a crunchy texture (SERIOUSLY WTF!) .

No man should accept this dare. This is where honor matters less than life.

3: Jellied Moose Nose

                    Although this sounds sweet, it's actually hellish. Well, everything in this list is. So, they grab a moose's nose, and turn it into jelly. Yup, that's the jelly part. So, yadda yadda, fertility and shit, the means of obtaining it is DAMN WEIRD.

Enjoy.
2: Bat Cake

                    This one's kind of hard to make. Grab fruit, fly or fox bats, throw them into boiling water, roast into desired doneness, chop in motherfucking pieces, and make it into a paste with Thai herbs and spices. There's also soup. Although, it's not reccomendable to eat this, as bats carry disease. 


Refreshing.

1: Placenta

                    Get ready to die from the grossness. This is possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of, it makes 2 girls 1 cup seem like a kid's show. I mean, come on. For those of you who don't know, the placenta is what is around the baby when he's in the womb, and comes out of a woman after the baby. It's gross just to look at, don't even mention touching it. 

                    Since the placenta is a temporary organ, they exclude it from cannibalism, but god-damn it, that's fucking cannibalism right there! For those of you mad enough to try it, you can make a coctail with 1/4 cup of raw placenta, 2 ice cubes, 8 ox V-8 Juice, and 1/2 cup of carrot. If babies appear in your nightmares... your fault, dude. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

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Anonymous Wages War On Child Porn

                      All right, so many of you know about Anonymous, the hacker organization, the best of the best, the final boss of the Internet. Famous for being very good at creating propaganda and shutting down evil organizations, these guys have now targeted one of the hardest topics out there: Child Porn. 

This is how you recognize a normal Anonymous hacker...

                      These dudes over here at anonymous fight for internet users' rights, for example, they tried to shut down an organization in Mexico that stole ideas from people and patented them, since people didn't know how to copyright their own ideas. These guys, who can look intimidating from the outside, are actually very cool guys. Anonymous, I support you!

May you win this war, Anon! Keep fighting the good fight!
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My Thoughts On: Feminism

                 For those of you who don't like politics and such, Feminism was a movement that started with the Women's Suffrage, which demanded that they have more rights such as having jobs, voting, etc. That was their golden era, but after that the 70's came, and women started saying that they were being oppresed by anything that they didn't like (some feminist even started a bra burning event). 

This is healthy.

This is not.

                 So, yeah, a lot of good things happened, women can vote now, get government posts, have jobs, and can no longer take bullshit from abusive men. This has improved their quality of life a lot, machoist guys did take it a little far with women sometimes, but what happened after that?

This is what women were trying to get rid of.

                 Women started male-bashing for one. If a woman doesn't get a promotion but a male co-worker does, she could accuse her employer of machoism. In fact, after a while, there was more violence against women, because men started seeing them as obnoxious and such. Now, I am against violence to women, because it's not gentleman-like. 

For those who don't hit women... INDEED.

                  Another thing that I don't like that feminism wrought is that the utility of marriage was bent over and broken. Why? Women don't need men to have a good quality of life anymore. They can pay for themselves, and are now showing that they can be dominant over men in terms of courting, when it was the other way around. The divorce rate skyrocketed since the 70's, and that sucks. This left children without mothers to raise them, instead being left to day-care centers or forgotten in their homes. 

Those kids end up like this.
                   Now, I'm not speaking for all feminists, but the radical ones have said some pretty ridiculous things, for example, that physics, chemistry and mathematics are for macho-based society since they lack a feminist point of view. Now, that's just plain weird. Bizzare. Stuff you see on acid makes more sense than that. 

So, what, every dog, horse and pig's a racist?

                  All right, so don't get me wrong. I admire the benevolent part of feminism where women were allowed to vote, have employment, etc., but feminists are still asking for equal rights, and if you ask me, either take that shit to the middle east, or forget it, because by now, women would have to lose rights to be equal to men. For example, a man can hit a man but he cannot hit a woman. I'm not saying we should hit women, but the reverse shouldn't be allowed either. 

Female domestic abuse is very, very real.

                 So remember, don't get me wrong, I love women (yeah I do) and I do believe they deserve equal rights and all, but some feminists got obnoxious and want to change everything they can. That's not how the world works. It's as if I let a woman live in my room and she paints it all pink. It needs a feminine touch, not a sex change. I mean, come on, if a girl hates on me for being a gentleman, what should she expect?

9CW73XTFPFDG
You've said it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

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5: Childhood Shows I Miss

                      I believe that those of us who were born in the 90's had the best T.V. shows to watch. I mean, come on, the classic Cartoon Network and Nickolodeon shows were awesome. I won't mention shows like Tom And Jerry or the Hanna Barbera ones, because they're not from our time. I'm talking 90's shows. Remember these? (They're in no particular order).

I fucking miss you guys.

5: Dexter's Lab

                   I really liked this one. An extremely small kid with a very, very smart head screws around in his Lab while Dee-Dee was screwing with him (figuratively). Her catchphrase (Ooh, what does THIS button do?) usually brought disaster. This was actually Seth McFarlane's slingshot to fame (The guy who invented Family Guy, American Dad and such). His arch-nemesis Mandark had a very weirdly funny laugh.

This was basically it.

                   Besides the main plot, there were backstories, one was "Dial M for Monkey", a segment of Dexter's lab monkey who would go fight crime. The Justice Friends blew my mind. They were Major Glory, a sort of Captain America, The Infraggable Krunk, a reverted-color Hulk, and Valhallen, the Thor version of a metalhead.

I can die in peace now.

4: Johnny Bravo

                  Oohh, Mama! This buff, blonde Elvis-like guy never, ever gave up with the ladies, although none of them actually liked him, for some reason. He was forward, and was somehow rejected every 5 seconds. Actually, most of the episodes' plots were about him trying to get laid (and never getting to).

Moments before he was punched by Farrah Fawcett.

                  Other characters include Bunny, Johnny's mother, who was a badass, Little Suzy, who, as far as I remember, was annoying, and a scout girl. Carl Synschwhat'shisname, a nerd who would use Johnny for experiments, and appeared to be his only friend. I also remember Pops, the bartender who'd give useless advice. The show was awesome, man. 

Dude's awesome.

3: Courage The Cowardly Dog

                    Ah, remember the purple dog who'd usually fight monsters although he was always scared off his ass? That show was awesome. It was the perfect combination of black humor, creepy elements, and, well, humor for kids. Some shows were downright disturbing, so much I even stopped watching the series for some time, even though I loved it. The fact that they played it so late didn't help either. 

The Family Picture.

                    Eustace always cracked me up. He was very, very mean to everybody, including the monsters, and usually didn't understand the gravity of the situation he was in. He always called Courage a stupid dog and scared him with his mask. Muriel is Eustace's wife. A lovely lady, she always sticks out for Courage, and doesn't usually understand the situation well either. In fact, she can be very lovely even to the monsters sometime, even having dinner with a few. If you watch it on youtube, I suggest you do it in the afternoon. 

Unless you're willing to watch this at 12:00 a.m.

2: Ed, Edd n Eddy

                 This was another one I really fucking loved. A short guy, Eddy, was always trying to scam the neighborhood kids, along with Edd and Ed. Edd was a nerd who never, ever showed his head. He always had this weird sock-hat thingy. Ed was a tall, lumbering dumbass. 


                 What I remember the most was those three weird sisters (I think?) who were always trying to make out with the guys, and the bald kid who was always around with Plank. Plank was awesome. He was the shit. There's not much else to the show. 

I WORSHIP YOU

1: Spongebob Squarepants (Before 2005)

                 This show was my favorite for quite a while. I mean, come on, everybody knows about Spongebob. I have never heard of anybody who hasn't laughed his ass off with the show. It was just so, perfect. There was humor for kids and there was humor for adults. Although there were some stupid kids who thought that a dolphin's sound was a bad word for a while. 

DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

                 The show was just great. They always had running gags like "My leg!", Mrs. Puff's crashing and inflating, etc. Every character also felt so real, it was simply awesome. Of course, 2006 came and the show became retarded. Fuck you, second half of the first decade of the twenty first century!

The cast.

                    All right, so 5's not really enough, I think I'm going to have to do another one or two of these lists. Meanwhile, enjoy!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

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How To: Be A Nihilist

                 All right, so if you read my post on The Big Lebowski, you know how I quoted Walter Sobchak in saying that being a Nihilist is exhausting. Well, it is, but there are variations. Now, the few types of nihilists can make sense or appear to be deranged. How can you stand to be a Nihilist?

Cutting off Johnsons?

                First of all, you have to know what you're going to stop believing in. Be it knowledge, meaning, justice, or all of the three, you have to stop believing in it and stick to what you care about. Some don't even believe that objects exist. It's not that easy to explain, but of course, once you don't believe in, say, knowledge, you have the right to be ignorant as fuck. This will make people hate you.

These guys reject knowledge.

                Are there good examples of Nihilism? Yes. Look up Dadaism, the anti-art movement by Tristian Tzara. There's also the Comedian in Watchmen, who executes somebody in public to show how everybody's a sort of moral nihilist, as nobody did anything to stop him. Fight Club's full of it. Just look around, and you'll find the lack of meaning and all that shit, while everybody else enjoys life. 

Dude doesn't believe in friendship. Asshole.

Monday, October 17, 2011

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5: Must Not See Movies

                   So, I wrote about 5 must-see movies the other day, now, we're going to talk about its nemesis, the must-not see. So, yeah, some movies are great, but some, suck, like, fucking, HELL! They can be so bad they're good, or they can piss the shit out of you (I don't even know how that's even possible). So, in the name of warning you guys, here are 5 movies you shouldn't even mention.

Their effects are more horrible than this.

5: Epic Movie

                   These guys have done about everything. American Movie, Date Movie, Superhero Movie, and they actually were amongst the producers in Scary Movie. So, why do I choose this one? This is the one that paved the way for the really, really suckish ones. Date and American movies were tolerable, but this one was the first of many to just be stupid, for being stupid, and stupidity isn't justified unless there's a reason. 

I mean, come on!

                   Also, I mean, come on, the jokes were crude, stupid, the effects sucked, the actors were worse, and every single bit of the movie was a piece of shit. It's lower than Troll 2, damn it! That's very suckish, and this is the first of five.

4: The Son Of The Mask

                  When this one came out in the theater, I went with the highest of expectations and came out crying like a baby. Why? This movie was an atrocity to all mankind. I mean, not only did they do a Jim Carrey sequel without him, they made it as worse as they fucking could! I mean, not only a storyline that sucked, I mean, what the hell can a baby do with a mask? They should have used a damn teenager, at least.

I blacked out of rage.

3: Waterworld

                 I mean, come on, Kev. Your team blows almost billions and you're acting worse than Nicolas Cage!

Only derps liked this.

2: Twilight Series

                What do you do when you have a pale ginger, a clumsy girl, and a whole lot of sparkles? Twilight. These movies achieved a level of gayness not even gay people could ever achieve, and, I mean, as Stephen King put it: "Stephanie Meyer can't write worth a darn." I'll be more direct and say she's shitty. But, come on, at least the girls are hot right?

Sheesh.

                 Well, sort of. You've got Dakota Fanning, that's good jailbait right there. There's not really much more to the series, maybe a vampiress or two, and that's it. But, I mean, if the book was bad, what about the movies, damn it?

Wait! Girls!

1: The Room

               Now, although this one is suckish, it's better than Twilight and Epic Movie. The thing is, it's so bad, it's kind of hilarious. Any terror night, they play this movie. It's about a dude who's betrayed. The movie's called the Citizen Kane of Bad Movies. I suggest you watch it, and die of laughter.

You're tearing me apart, Lisa!