Wednesday, October 26, 2011

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5: Most Epic Rampages In The History Of War

                      Guys, you've hit the refresh button more than 6,000 times, so today's post is going to be full of epic shit. So, war has winners and losers, and sometimes, those who are losing turn into rageful beasts and turn the tide completely. This article is about those guys whose balls are so big that the orbit of the Earth tilted a little after their heroic feats. So, here you are, and pray that one of these guys doesn't haunt you in your sleep. You won't come back. 

Gladly.

5: Herbert Christian

                     June, 1944. Herbert Christian was on patrol in Italy with 12 other men, when they were suddenly ambushed by 60 Italian troops. As soon as he told his soldiers to retreat, a tank ran over most of his right leg, crushing it until right above the knee. 

You shouldn't have done that, bro.

                     Rageful, Herbert propped himself on his thighbone, filled his machine gun with a new round, and killed 3 Italians. Not happy, he started dragging himself towards the enemy, while his squad retreated. Leaving a river of blood, he killed yet anothe Italian, when the rest concentrated all their fire on him. They killed him until he was dead. True story. 

It looked something like this.

4: Mikhail Panikakha

                   Mikhail was a soldier who volunteered to participate in the Battle of Motherfucking Stalingrad. The Germans were about to win. There were 12,000 Russians at first, and they got reduced to dozens. So, all of a sudden, a German squad attacked Mikhail's position, aiming to separate the remainder of the Soviets. The Russians were able to fight off the first wave. The second wave came, with tanks that drove over the trenches to bury their enemies, including Panikakha. 

The end of this story's way more awesome than this.
                   Our baddass Russian grabbed a couple of Vodka bottles and made up molotov cocktails. He climbed out of the trench, when a bullet shot one of the bottles, leaving him engulfed in flames. He didn't give a shit, climbed on top of the tank, opened it and threw the other one in the engine compartment. Both the tank and Mikhail exploded, and the Germans were now scared shitless of the Russians, so they retreated. 

This is what basically happened.

3: George Cairns

                   You ever heard of a man capturing a hill single-handed? George was a member of the Chindits, a British troupe which was dropped off in the jungle in Burma, with the objective to build a landing strip for backup to arrive. The problem? The Japanese were already in control of a nearby hill. When asking for advice, HQ just told them to kill the bastards and get back to work. 

They were great at whistling work tunes.

                    They went to the hill and started fighting. Most was hand-to-hand combat, with bayonets and katanas. In the battle, George's arm got chopped off by an officer. This sent him into a rage that cannot be matched by any other, and he wrestled the sword out of the Jap, and started killing anybody and everybody in range. After a while he fell, lifeless... because he ran out of blood. The rest of the Chindits started charging in the same fashion, and the Japanese ran as if they just saw their kids get an A on a test. 

Never chop off a Brit's arm.

2: Leo Major

                    Leonardo Major was a private in the Regiment the la Chaudiere, and got his first taste of the war when he was dropped in Normandy, where he destroyed a half-track and had his eye burned out by phosphorous. He convinced the army to let him fight, and kept touring through Europe. One day, Canadians arrived and were going to blow a small town, but they needed to know how many Germans there were. Leo and a friend accepted the challenge of scouting it out. 

Challenge accepted.

                   Since the guys didn't want to blow the town, they decided to capture it themselves. They each grabbed a machine gun and waited. When they decided to strike, a Nazi turned around and shot down Arsenault (Leo's friend). Understandably, Leo got pissed off. He killed those in the immediate area, and grabbed ammo from the now Nazi-empty ammunition nest. 

The same guy who didn't stop fighting because he lost an eye.

                    Not only that, he unmounted a machine gun, strapped a rife to his back and carried a shit-ton of grenades. He started walking around town, shooting down any patrols he saw. He found the local SS headquarters, killed everybody, burned down the building and then tried to convince everybody it was safe to come out now. 

Like this, but slightly more badass.

1: Jimmy Robinson

                   The place was fucking 'Nam. Charlie Company was assigned to get a batallion of 400 men fucking dead. The plan went kind of wrong. Charlie was pounded by its own artillery, and also the enemy's. Robinson started running around, killing snipers with a grenade launcher, saving medics and distributing resources. 

One of these guys is better than the rest...

                   Suddenly, an enemy machine gun started opening fire on the circle, killing off many Americans. This didn't please Jimmy at all, who started running to the machine gunner in serpentine. A tracer shot got him in the pants and set them on fire. He ripped them off and kept running to the machine gunner, a grenade in each hand. He was shot twice in the chest (making it 5 bullet wounds for the man) and hurled his grenades to the machine gunner, blowing the hell out of him. He saved dozens of american lives. 

Producers of pants-burning maniacs.

                     These guys... these guys are fucking GODS.