Sunday, October 16, 2011

How To: Survive The Zombie Apocalypse (As A Zombie)

                   What's up, zombitches! So, I'm here to give you all the down-low on how to survive bieng a zombie. So, yeah, you know, you got bitten, shit happens, you've turned into a zombie, so, what should you do to be better than your other zombie friends? Let's see...

Get ready for sheer awesomeness...

                   If the apocalypse is beginning, you could either hide and take people out one by one, or go on teeth blazing spreading the disease. The first one is more desirable if you do want to survive, and is, of course, the course of action I'll take if I should ever become a zombie. 

Learn from this man. He turned London into zombies. Again.

                   Now, once the zombie apocalypse has settled and there are few humans left, you should try to stay at the back and find a way around the bastards. You should also try to dig yourself and appear, or jump from a bulding or something. Of course, you'll be an outcast among zombies, but you'll live. The other ones will die, as it is well known that only the toughest sumbitches are the survivors. 

They are less afraid of you than you are afraid of them.

                  All right, so, now, you know what your battle plan is, you have to know what to do when the time comes to prepare yourself. Grab anything you can to protect your head, as that is the first thing that will be attacked by humans. If you kill a riot cop, then perfect, wear his helmet. A biker? Good enough. A chef? Wear a frying pan or something. 

Figure 1

                  There's also the issue of health. You're already dead, but you should mantain your muscle. The fastest runners are the ones that give more trouble to humans. Not only that, you'll find yourself filling up with methane, so avoid fire, and try to provoke flatulence any time you can. If you can pierce yourself in the stomach, perfect, you won't fill up with gas. (Most zombies should explode in a week or two, but they're stupid.)

It's this, but your guts.

                  Relationships? Don't worry, got you covered. Turn your girlfriend/wife/friend you like into a zombie, and give them food. That's a date for you. Sex? Fall on top of her, and squirm together. That's kind of it. Oh yeah, and let's say that you get cut in half. Don't be a fucking pussy and drag yourself with your arms. You can hide in a horde and bite the legs. That's red meat right there. Bon appetit!

Using a platter will get you laughed at in front of your zombros, but it will get you all the zomchicks.