Sunday, October 9, 2011

How To: Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

                      So, Halloween's coming, and it's getting closer, and uh, 2012 and that shit. I don't know. There's going to be a zombie apocalypse someday, and you need to know what to do to survive. So, the zombie apocalypse is always unexpected, and It's weird that the zombies actually spread around the whole world in some way. So, what do you do?

Hit. the button.

                       If you've got a weapon, use it. You won't want to let the zombies get even close to you. Of course, it's for drastic measures, but you will need it. It would be preferable to have knives and swords at your disposition too. Or a sledgehammer. You know, something silent that can destroy a zombie's skull. 

Just do that.

                       Get a group of friends and run. You'll want to keep a stranger or two who you can use as zombie bait. Also, keep somebody who can kick ass, anytime, anywhere, and grovel his ass all the time. Aim for the zombies' heads too. It'll save your ammo. Of course, if trying to get out of town, it would be more convenient to cover yourself in zombie blood and act like one of them. Just do it quick, before the scent wears off. 

Sell it.

                      If you get bitten, for the sake of humanity, kill as many zombies as you can with fury and then kill yourself when it's time. You could also let the zombies get to you in a group and pull the pin of a grenade, and then just wait. You'd help out a lot like that. 

Wait for the boom...

                     Find an armored car if you can. Preferably one that zombies can't climb, that can maul them over, is full of gas, and ammo. Never turn on a chainsaw in a car, you'll likely slip and kill one of your own. Also, if you can, find machine guns and chainsaws. Those kick ass. Shotguns are good, too, but make sure they're automatic. Use them for groups of zombies. 

Dual wield that bitch.

                      Find food. You'll get hungry. Go to the highway and raid any and every store you can find. Open vending machines. It'll be very, very hard to find food again. You'll have to learn agriculture, too, but that wouldn't be immediately. What doesn't ever spoil itself is honey. It's eternal, for some reason. Well, that's all the tips I can give. Oh wait, bang every girl you can find, and take care of them, you're going to need babies. Now I'm done. 

That's the next step.