Monday, December 5, 2011

5: Ugliest Motherf*ckers In The Face Of The Earth

                   All right, so, usually Mother Nature gives us something that leaves us in awe, like the magnificent tiger, the beautiful zebra, the awesome shiny fish of the sea, and a lot of stuff. But sometimes, you wonder if her nightmares can spawn creations too, for example: 

5: The Star-nosed Mole

                   This dude is one of the creepiest things I've ever dared to lay my eyes upon. The thing looks like a rat, but it doesn't have eyes. It has a nose that sort of splits into a star, hence, star-nosed mole. It relies on its sense of smell (obviously) to get around, since each little part contains about thousands of sensory molecules. Damn ugly, yes, but it really helps the stupid mole get around. 

DAMN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

                    Fortunately the thing stays in water mostly (oh wait, I wouldn't want to swim near that), but it also goes above ground and has its system of neat little tunnels (Since it can't see, why would it need light? Dumbass.) If I ever see one get near me, I'm bringing out the ol' shotgun. 

HUG ME. I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR.

4: Proboscis Monkey

                   This one's kind of simple. His nose looks like a dick. The nose is mainly used in mating (size DOES matter). They're born with blue faces but they turn red when they grow. That's weird, huh? There's not much more to say about the animal, except for that it looks a bit like Squidward, if you ask me. 

Ha ha ha! That's a penis!

3: Angler

                   This ugly motherfucker's a bottom dweller that lives in the North Atlantic Ocean. Never walk on the ocean floor over there. If you step on a squishy thing, you're kind of screwed. They have a sort of appendage which lures fish in, which in turn, let's them eat them. The fish is a sort of squished down abomination I wouldn't even try to look for in a nightmare.

Some people have the nerve to eat this.

2: Angler Fish

                   Don't confuse this for the angler. This is a fish that lives deep in the horrific bowels of the world. These guys have a small light on their head which they use as a lure (hence, angling). They're literally all mouth, and, of course, can scare the hell out of you. One makes a special appearance on Finding Nemo. If that didn't scare you as a kid, you're fucked up, man. 

Rar, give me fishes!
                  They also have the weirdest mating habits. The males, which are very, very small, never eat anything in their lives. And suddenly, they see a female fish going by. They love the smell, so they go, and bite the side of the woman. The bitch is rude enough to fuse the male angler fish with her body (I don't know how, so for the love of God, don't ask). The male stays there and becomes a lump on her body, and produces sperm cells so reproduction can occur. This means, basically, that the woman captures men and turns them into her testicles. 

I shall put a censor bar on her testicles.

1: Blob Fish

                  This sad guy, once you take a look at him, gives you the impression of a sad face. You tell yourself that such a horrific, nightmarish creature cannot occur in nature, but alas, you have the blob fish there as proof. It's weird, the blob fish is made by a mass less dense than water, which lets it just float around (lazy bastard), and, since not many have been encountered by humans, you can only guess that it just sits around waiting for a stupid fish to pass by. 

Mother of god.
What the hell?
SERIOUSLY STOP IT!