Thursday, June 28, 2012

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WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS


TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY SO IT DESERVES TO HAVE A POST ON MY BLOG. IT'S HARD TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BUT NOT TO TYPE, AND WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT SOUNDS IN YOUR HEAD LIKE THEY'RE SCREAMING. BECAUSE THEY ARE. YOU SHOULDN'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS, IT'S JUST WRONG. 

THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE.

IMAGINE THIS, MY VOICE, DEEP VOICE, WITH A BURNING FURY SCREAMING AT YOU. DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS YOU PRICK. BUT IT CAN BE FUN SOMETIMES, YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU'RE A BASTARD WITH PSYCHOPATHIC TENDENCIES AND THAT THERE IS NO MERCY FOR THE WORLD FROM YOUR VOICE. STILL, IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!


Monday, June 25, 2012

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What Makes A Man A Man?

This man's name is Dick Pound. That's fucking manly.
        Today is a special day because the blog finally reaches 30,000 views. Thank you, hired children from  poverty-stricken countries, to hit refresh so many times. So, I decided to reflect upon the nature of man and what makes him who he is. This is a question that many ask themselves and that will possibly never be truly answered, because as you can tell reality doesn't really exist and shit (I'm just messing with you, that's reserved for philosophy undergraduates). 

A beard? Or not a beard? That is the question.
        So, what makes a man a man? Is it the ability to make tough choices when he needs to? Is it providing for his family through both good and bad? Having a sense of honor? Being "manly", for example, being willing to wrestle with a bear, to fight an army of demons, to take a crap under a tree? To be willing to sleep with a woman instead of another man?

Ladies, Bieber is NOT gay. He's a lesbian. Therefore, he's not a man.
        Well, one thing's for sure. Men can be agressive, they can be delicate, they can be straight, gay, poetic, rude, have class or be the lowest of the low. Any man is still a man. Sure, one could be a dancer and the other could be a boxer. Remember Billy Elliot? He sticks to his guns, against his dad, no matter what. Rocky Marciano kept fighting and fighting, and never lost. 

Let's not forget rednecks, who stick to their guns, both literally and figuratively.
     Does homosexuality make a man less of a man? Nope. In fact, many homophobics out there are hypocrites, because they admire people like Freddy Mercury or Neil Patrick Harris, who is gay and still gets laid more than us. Elton John also gets a lot of admiration, and John Travolta had a secret gay boyfriend for six years! (Oh no, what a surprise.). 

Pictured: John Travolta and his pilot, about to join the Mile-High Club.
       There are few men who you can consider as not being men anymore. They're not slaves, if that's what you're thinking. Men who are not men are those that have lost their mental faculties completely. They can be sane or insane. For example, that cannibalistic man from Miami who ate the other guy's face reduced himself to the level of an animal. Another example is a person like Heinrich Himmler, who is the man that designed the Holocaust itself. He was intelligent, yes, intelligent enough to be Hitler's puppetmaster, almost, but his inner hatred towards Jews and acting upon it reduced him to an animal. 

He sealed a deal with the devil for good looks.
       So, basically, any man is a man, as long as he doesn't degrade himself to a lower level. You can be anything you want to be, as long as you don't violate the rights of others, and are still a man. Be whoever the hell you want to be, remember, everybody has friends and everybody has haters. All you need is to be yourself, and a pair of testicles. If you don't have those, you're a woman, either from birth or legally.

I'm still trying to decide whether this girl's face or Monique's legs are hairier.
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Pheromone Parties

I smell... cherries, berries, and um... feces.
        The way men and women are meeting are changing quite quickly. In a few years it went from asking her parents for her hand, to having her run away from her parents in secret, to the parents not giving a damn anymore, to online dating, and now... there's Pheromone Parties, and let me explain what's up with those. 

Maybe... that's taking it a little too far.
       First of all, how does attraction work? It's very scientific, actually. If the right hormones click, well, then, your mental clarity will go to hell to get you in a state of bliss and euphoria in which you can make a few questionable decisions. So, yeah, just like being high. Except that this particular high, we call being in love, and love is dictated by, you guessed it, pheromones. 

Here you can see a female homo sapiens putting on a face that means either disgust or constipation.
       What you do in these parties is that three days before you get a clean shirt, in which you sleep for three days, so it can catch your body odor. You put that shit in a Ziploc bag, and members of the opposite sex will smell that funk of yours. Basically, your more primal instincts will be the ones that get you deciding whoever your partner will be. There's already been one party in Brooklyn and two in L.A. 

I... cannot tell what that in the background is.
        Now, there have been a few success stories, and the longest running relationship right now has lasted for six months thanks to one of the parties. Who knows how long they could last? Now, is this pseudoscience? Should we wave this off as something utterly ridiculous? Umm, nope. You're not going to decide purely on smell, of course. The pheromones are acting only as conversation starters, it's a sort of new way to get to meet people, more than anything. 

See? Yao Ming does it too!
        So, if one of these parties is going to happen near your residence, then go for it. It should be interesting to give it a try, and who knows? You might find somebody very, very compatible. Now, girls, maybe some of you are going to be disgusted, because, well, a guy's spunk for three days can be a bit reeky, that's just common sense. Guys, girls always smell good, unless they're morbidly obese, so you're not going to get it as roughly. Hell, if we're doing this based on hormones now, who knows what's next? It's both interesting and scary at the same time. 

Oh.
(Click to enlarge)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

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Review: Cirque Du Soleil: Iris


        Today I went to the Cirque Du Soleil, more specifically, Iris, and it was awesome. It took place in the Chinese Kodak Theatre. The music was composed by Danny Elfman, who you may know as the third wife of Tim Burton after Johnny Depp and Helena. Everything was incredible, I seriously didn't want it to end at all. 

Cirque Du Soleil, showing things humanly impossible.
        First of all, the performers. All of them had insane acrobatic abilities, some were contortionists, others were good at jumping and flipping, and others just danced really well. There were also a few clowns which took away the show. Another thing I loved was the design. If you know steampunk, you know what I'm talking about. Old machinery and machine parts like gears and cogs used creatively in costumes and scenery. Every character had its own different design. Some were more extravagant than others but they stuck to the same style. 

Steampunk, bitches.
        The story was awesome. It was about two persons, a boy and a girl, who are trying to make it in cinema. They go through the history of films, going from silent movies to noir film. Every important milestone was seen here. The story's romantic theme was also great.  Basically, this is one of the best performances I've ever seen in my life, if not the best. There was too much going around, you couldn't look at any part of the stage without something, and that's what made it special. It was just so well made, you didn't really want to leave at all, so if you're going to Hollywood, buy some tickets and enjoy Iris at the Kodak theatre.

No Homo (They're actually twins).

Friday, June 15, 2012

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Cheer Up Keanu Reeves Day

                  You know how Keanu Reeves has this sad picture of him called "Sad Keanu"? Well, that shit right there isn't just a once in a lifetime thing. Keanu's had a rough life, so today, the internet has decided to make this the Cheer Up Keanu Reeves Day. You see, there's this: 

                So, yeah, write about him nicely, whatever, and if you know the guy, let him know that we love him and don't want him to be sad anymore, because quite frankly, he's an awesome guy. I mean, he's been Neo, damn it, that makes him special.

He should be like this all the time.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

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How To: Find Time For Writing (And Other Hobbies)

MUST. WRITE. FASTER. NO. TIME.
              This world is a busy one. There's people who work 8 hours a day, and those people you can call lucky. You can't survive on minimum wage, so you're always working out. If this were a speech, somebody would be claiming to me about young people. Young people who are starting high school through finishing college will start complaining that they have little time to write. True, I'm in high school and I sometimes get projects that leave me writing until 2 in the morning. 

Oh yeah, you know this feeling.
             Well, the truth is that if you don't make time, you're not getting it. I know a few writers and they each have a different way of getting time. Some choose to take small, 5-minute breaks for writing a bit, once every hour or something. Some take an hour to write. Others use the weekends. The thing is that you always have time to write if you want to. How, may you ask?

                You're not getting the time if you don't want to write. It's the same as learning an instrument. If you really want it, you'll manage it. You just have to find your own method. My method, for example, is doing all of my errands first, and then write when I'm finished. It gives me something to look forward to, so I finish everything quicker. 

LET'S DO THIS SHIT.
                If you're a person who has a couple of jobs or a lot of assignments, it can get really tough. Like I mentioned, if you have a free day, you can take some time from that free day to write, a couple of hours, maybe. And not just writing, this applies to any hobby that you have, be it playing guitar, swimming, archery, I don't give a shit, the thing is that if you really want to do what you want to do, you'll get time so you can do that shit. So yeah, it's all about willpower, and real desire. In this sense, you can actually separate the posers from the rest, because the busiest people in the world are the ones who always have time to do anything. 

This is a busy man and here's his reward.

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Movie Review: The Good The Bad And The Ugly


              This is my first post in what's almost a month. I'm not proud of that. I'm also not proud that it took me 17 years to see The Good The Bad and The Ugly. This is a classic spaghetti (Italian) western movie that tells the story of three cowboys who are looking for the same treasure, $200,000, which right now would be about 2 million at least. 


               The first thing you have to notice is that, for being a 60's film, it's very, very well done. The film quality is good, the music is great, and the actors are excellent. I've yet to see any other film as good as this one in terms of what's available in our epoch. Sure, every year a new great movie comes out, but none of them is on this level. 
I mean, just look at that poster.
                Another thing that I liked very much was the characters. The Good, Clint Eastwood, always has this badass look on his face. He was also the smart one of the three. The Bad, known in the movie as Angel Eyes, is like Boba Fett, you can't really stop him when he gets an objective. The Ugly, Tuco, took the film away. Sure, the character is pathetic and sometimes goes even lower than that, but he's very well acted. 
That's the ugly all right. 
                Now, the story is simple. The guys are looking for a treasure, but neither the Bad or Ugly can complete the quest without the Good. They go through battlefields between the Confederacy and the Union, cross deserts, smoke, drink, and do cowboy shit while under a very awesome soundtrack. I cannot even exagerate how awesome this film is, and if you haven't seen it, you don't know shit about movies. So, sit your ass down and get ready for this epic western that's going to blow your mind. 

You can never go wrong with Clint Eastwood.