Sunday, August 26, 2012

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Snooki And Her Baby

Oh sh- All right, how do I put this nicely?
          So, we now live in a world where Snooki is somebody's mother. In celebration, the letters in this post are spray-tanned. Well, what about the kid? Is he going to be all right? Is he going to be screwed? Well, there's a lot of factors to put into the equation, but first of all, I genuinely congratulate Snooki for actually reaching the birthing point with a healthy baby. That takes a bit of work. 

She did nail the parent look, though.
          Now, the interesting part. The kid is called Lorenzo Dominic LaValle. If you think it can't get much more guido than this, well, I mean, the father's name is Jionny. Now, there's two ways where this can go from here. Snooki and Jionny can continue their guido ways and raise a kid who will love doing nothing but spray-tanning, going to the gym and becoming a juicehead, or Snooki and Jionny can mature. I can't even believe I said the latter. 

Snooki and Jionny, seen here in their Oompa Loompa costumes.
          Lorenzo, I don't know what's going to happen to you, but if it doesn't go well, it's not your fault kid. Hell, I've never even watched Jersey Shore, I don't know how Snooki or J-Woww or the Situation and the other douches really are, but they don't seem to be a gang of intellectuals if you ask me. Still, your parents have money, so you may or may not be fine. 

Friday, August 24, 2012

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Ecce Homo

                Many people know the famous Ecce Homo painting, which shows Jesus with a crown of thorns. Now a woman named Cecilia Jiménez, who lives in Spain, decided to restore it, and gave us a blotched version of the painting the world is now calling "Potato Jesus". Quite frankly, I can't take it, I haven't laughed this hard in  a long, long while. Now, I'm going to put the first photo compilation in this blog's history. 

This is like the best thing to ever happen.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

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Admirable People: Lance Armstrong

EDIT: I just found out that Armstrong was in fact cheating. It's such a shame, I really idolized the guy. I think the media's bound to be humiliating him a lot, so yeah, he earned it, and I'll be damned if it wasn't one of the most intelligent frauds I'd ever seen. The rest of this post will be unedited, to serve as an example for how the world used to see him.

       Lance Armstrong, as anybody that went through the late 90's and early 2000's know, was a professional cyclist who was known for winning a shitton of Tour de France competitions (Read: 7 consecutive times) after surviving testicular cancer. He's got a big ball. So, now something's going on. 

And Lance don't like it.
            It's been found (apparently) that Armstrong was using performance enhancers from doping samples and testimonies from other riders, and thus, he shall forever be banned from cycling and his 7 Tour de France titles shall be revoked. He's actually been one of the most tested athletes in the world. In 2009 he went through 24 unannounced drug tests and came out negative in all of them. 

And 10,000 monkeys are gonna fly out of his ass.
         I frankly don't believe he's been using drugs to enhance his performance. Everybody's been so persistent with finding performance enhancers that they probaby either faked something or waited for him to take something that had a minimal trace of that drug. Here are Armstrong's opinions on the matter

Like a boss? Yes? No?
              So, what makes Armstrong admirable? The fact that he's won 7 Tour de France is not a small deal. Also, his Livestrong Foundation which helped raise funds for helping out people with cancer and producing those crappy yellow bracelets. He's been a great figure in both sports and for charities around the world. 

              I say that they should let him keep the titles, I mean, he's gone a long way with them, it wouldn't be fair to just revoke them after an extremely demanding organization wouldn't stop insisting on finding some sort of chemical inside of Armstrong. 

Because Lance is Lance and Lance is awesome.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

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5: Things Greek Mythology Inspired In The Bible*

God? No, wait, Zeus! No, er... what's your name again?
*Article Adapted from Cracked Magazine. No, I do not have their budget.
           Christians and Catholics claim that the Bible is directly inspired by Yahveh, or God. Then you have his son, Dioni- er, Jesus Christ, who wants you to drink wine because it's his blood or something. Now, yeah, the Bible may be original, but you have to admit that there are some striking similarities, and I mean seriously striking, between Greek and Biblical mythology. 

Jesus? No, wait, Dionysus!
5: Creation

Bible: God was chilling around, and saw that the universe was kind of empty. Wait, what universe? He created one. He make light and darkness, called them day and night, and made night separate each day. He then created Adam and Eve to populate the Earth. 

Greece: There was nothingness called Chaos. It suddenly gave birth to things like Earth and Darkness, which were there to separate each day. He then created Eros, God of Love. 

Kratos creating Chaos again.
Moral: The universe was created by a supreme being. And that Greek guy. 

4: Man's Downfall

Bible: Adam and Eve, who was created to cater to Adam, lived in a chill world with no pain and suffering called the Garden of Eden. God had given them one rule, one fucking rule, don't grab the forbidden fruit. Although, having created them, I think he would have been better of just putting the tree somewhere else, instead of that, which seemed like a setup. Eve grabs the apple and fucks us up, removing us from paradise. 

Nom nom nom...
Greece: The first men (yes, only men) lived in a chill world with no pain and suffering in a time called the Golden Age.  Then, a dude named Prometheus (yeah, the guy who gave us fire, turns out he was sort of a troublemaker) tricked the Gods into eating bones by covering them with meat. That's just asking for it. The gods got creative and sent a kid named Pandora, as punishment. They gave her a box and told her not to open it (as they assumed that a girl would open it), and she unleashed hell on Earth. 

Don't open the box? Bastards. This'll teach them.
Moral: Women fucked it up for us. (That's what the stories say, ladies, not me). 

3: The Cleansing

Bible: God got pissed off at humanity and decided to clean the Earth with a flood. He picked one man and his family to live on. He felt horrible, though. 

You guys pissed me off but I feel horrible now!
Greek: Zeus got pissed off at humanity and decided to clean the Earth with a flood. Prometheus (sheesh) noticed and quickly told his son to build an ark. Zeus didn't give a shit. 

Moral: Gods rage quit too. 

2: The Awesome Son

Bible: Wise men knew that a kid would become King of the Jews and overthrow authority. King Herrod didn't want that shit so he killed every child of up until 2 years of age (nice touch there, God-inspired author). God told Joseph to run with Jesus so that the kid wouldn't die. 

-Yes, Fayed?
-Why are we killing babies, naked? And white?
-I don't know, Fayed, just go with it.
Greek: Cronos, king of the Titans, heard that he would have a son who would overthrow him. He decided to eat every kid as he was being born. His wife Rhea had a kid named Zeus who somehow made it and killed the guy. 

This painting's actually awesome.
Moral: Ancient civilizations hated babies. 

1: The Gods

Yahveh and Zeus are similar in appearance, because Zeus is awesome. 

Dionysus and Jesus were both born of a virgin mother and immortal father. People eat food and wine which symbolize their blood and flesh (I'm guessing the Greeks got this from pagans), and they died and resurrected 3 days later, because they didn't have that great of an internet connection thousands of years ago. 

Seriously? Well, uh, ok.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

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Admirable People: Edgar Allan Poe

           All you horror story fanatics and lovers of suspense know who Edgar Allan Poe is. In case you don't, then fuck you, but read this. Author of many tragic tales and poems like The Black Cat, Masque of the Red Death, Fall of the House of Usher, the Raven, and many countless others, you could suppose the man wasn't gleeful. 

Can a happy mind produce this? No, it can't, dumbass.
           First of all, he was almost born an orphan. His father abandoned the family when he was one and his mother, who was an actress (not a respectable carreer in those times) died when he was two, so it was amost like he was destined to suffer. But, was he? Well, yeah. Once he was adopted, not even formally, he was neglected by his foster father and his brother was raised a spoiled brat. 

        Once Poe went off to school, he didn't even get enough supplies by his father. He quickly got to gambling, and ended up with a huge debt. His father sent him supplies after a bunch of desperate letters, but not any money. Edgar ended up going to the army to make up for his debt. He wrote here and there but in essence was a starving writer. 

Guess he could kick your ass, though.
            After that, he fell in love with a girl called Sarah Elmira Royster. Her family didn't like him, though, so he couldn't be with her. She eventually married some rich guy, had two kids, lost two others, and he left them the not-so-bad sum of $100,000, on the condition she didn't remarry. They got engaged later on, but they didn't get to marry before Poe died. 

           Then, his foster mother, the only woman who Poe liked left in his life, died to Tuberculosis. He didn't even find out until way later. After that, John Allen, his foster father, remarried and disowned him completely. Also, when the man died, all his money was left to his illegitimate children, not to Poe. That's like a bite at the nuts. When he goes to his Brother's, since that was the only place he could stay, the bro died of alcoholism. 
He just wants to kick destiny's ass by now.
          So, when one of the only people that were actually friendly to him died, he fell in love with his 13 year-old cousin, while he was 26, and they married, faking her age. Fast forward 12 years later, the Red Death gets her and she falls to Tuberculosis. After that, he dated a few more girls but they came and went like eminem's bitches. 

            Having lived his horrible fucking life, Poe suddenly hit the hay, from a mysterious cause. It could have been rabies, syphillis, who knows. His last words were: "Lord help my poor soul."After that, Poe's literary rival Rufus Griswold wrote a fake obituary and biography that made Poe look bad, but it backfired, giving Edgar Allan Poe the fame he deserved in life. So, if you think you've got it rough, shut the fuck up and remember Poe. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

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The Difference Between A Theory And A Law

         Many times, I hear people say that something's not actually true because it is just a theory. Most people think of scientific theory as something that is above hypothesis but below fact, and they say a law is a fact. Others say that a theory will eventually develop into a fact once enough evidence has been gathered. Well, actually, all of those who think like that are misinterpreting the definition. 

This is priceless knowledge.
           A scientific theory is a comprehensive explanation of some aspect of nature that is supported by a vast body of evidence. A theory can only be considered a theory if and only if:

  • It makes falsifiable predictions with consistent accuracy across a broad area of scientific inquiry (such as mechanics).
  • It is well-supported by many independent strands of evidence, rather than a single foundation. This ensures that it is probably a good approximation, if not completely correct.
  • It is consistent with pre-existing theories and other experimental results. (Its predictions may differ slightly from pre-existing theories in cases where they are more accurate than before.)
  • It can be adapted and modified to account for new evidence as it is discovered, thus increasing its predictive capability over time.
  • It is among the most parsimonious explanations, sparing in proposed entities or explanations. (See Occam's razor. Since there is no generally accepted objective definition of parsimony, this is not a strict criterion, but some theories are much less economical than others.)

            Basically, a theory is not false unless proved otherwise. The first three criteria are the most important. You have the heliocentric theory, for example, which you can explain in a simple way: The Earth revolves around the sun. Never will a person find evidence that will contradict this.

It will NEVER change.
         A scientific law is formed with the scientific method, as is the theory. The law, though, is is a descriptive account of how nature acts upon certain condition. For example, the law of conservation of energy states that energy will neither be created nor destroyed, only transformed. This law will never change, as will the theory of gravity, which has its own set of laws, will never change. 

Time to teach the world their shit.
            Basically, this means that the theory of evolution, for example, is not a mere hypothesis and is actually a broad description supported by a wide array of facts. The Big Bang theory, until otherwise confirmed, is the explanation of how the universe came to be, with all the details possible explained. Plate tectonics theory, the earth shifts slowly with time, and this is something that is very well known and accepted by scientists everywhere. 

               So, the next time you're in an argument, don't be afraid to use a theory to back you up, and at the same time, don't wave someone else off because he/she uses a theory. Remember, laws form theories, basically, so it is still fact. Like Richard Dawkins said: