Sunday, August 19, 2012

5: Things Greek Mythology Inspired In The Bible*

God? No, wait, Zeus! No, er... what's your name again?
*Article Adapted from Cracked Magazine. No, I do not have their budget.
           Christians and Catholics claim that the Bible is directly inspired by Yahveh, or God. Then you have his son, Dioni- er, Jesus Christ, who wants you to drink wine because it's his blood or something. Now, yeah, the Bible may be original, but you have to admit that there are some striking similarities, and I mean seriously striking, between Greek and Biblical mythology. 

Jesus? No, wait, Dionysus!
5: Creation

Bible: God was chilling around, and saw that the universe was kind of empty. Wait, what universe? He created one. He make light and darkness, called them day and night, and made night separate each day. He then created Adam and Eve to populate the Earth. 


Greece: There was nothingness called Chaos. It suddenly gave birth to things like Earth and Darkness, which were there to separate each day. He then created Eros, God of Love. 

Kratos creating Chaos again.
Moral: The universe was created by a supreme being. And that Greek guy. 

4: Man's Downfall

Bible: Adam and Eve, who was created to cater to Adam, lived in a chill world with no pain and suffering called the Garden of Eden. God had given them one rule, one fucking rule, don't grab the forbidden fruit. Although, having created them, I think he would have been better of just putting the tree somewhere else, instead of that, which seemed like a setup. Eve grabs the apple and fucks us up, removing us from paradise. 

Nom nom nom...
Greece: The first men (yes, only men) lived in a chill world with no pain and suffering in a time called the Golden Age.  Then, a dude named Prometheus (yeah, the guy who gave us fire, turns out he was sort of a troublemaker) tricked the Gods into eating bones by covering them with meat. That's just asking for it. The gods got creative and sent a kid named Pandora, as punishment. They gave her a box and told her not to open it (as they assumed that a girl would open it), and she unleashed hell on Earth. 

Don't open the box? Bastards. This'll teach them.
Moral: Women fucked it up for us. (That's what the stories say, ladies, not me). 

3: The Cleansing

Bible: God got pissed off at humanity and decided to clean the Earth with a flood. He picked one man and his family to live on. He felt horrible, though. 

You guys pissed me off but I feel horrible now!
Greek: Zeus got pissed off at humanity and decided to clean the Earth with a flood. Prometheus (sheesh) noticed and quickly told his son to build an ark. Zeus didn't give a shit. 


Moral: Gods rage quit too. 

2: The Awesome Son

Bible: Wise men knew that a kid would become King of the Jews and overthrow authority. King Herrod didn't want that shit so he killed every child of up until 2 years of age (nice touch there, God-inspired author). God told Joseph to run with Jesus so that the kid wouldn't die. 

-Jhafet?
-Yes, Fayed?
-Why are we killing babies, naked? And white?
-I don't know, Fayed, just go with it.
Greek: Cronos, king of the Titans, heard that he would have a son who would overthrow him. He decided to eat every kid as he was being born. His wife Rhea had a kid named Zeus who somehow made it and killed the guy. 

This painting's actually awesome.
Moral: Ancient civilizations hated babies. 

1: The Gods

Yahveh and Zeus are similar in appearance, because Zeus is awesome. 

Dionysus and Jesus were both born of a virgin mother and immortal father. People eat food and wine which symbolize their blood and flesh (I'm guessing the Greeks got this from pagans), and they died and resurrected 3 days later, because they didn't have that great of an internet connection thousands of years ago. 

Seriously? Well, uh, ok.