Friday, December 21, 2012

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Gangnam Style

This article will be short, I must say I am very fucking impressed in ways that you cannot comprehend now that this day, the twenty first of December of the year 2012, Gangnam style reached one billion views on youtube, for ever keeping the video in the annals of history. This song, with the sudden urge of galloping that overtakes listeners, will be forever remembered as the first youtube billionaire. Kudos, PSY, kudos.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

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The Many Ways In Which The World Can End

         Readers, quite honestly, the apocalypse can suck my dick, but still, there's many ways it can manifest itself, and trust me, you are not prepared. Here's a list detailing all the ways in which the world will and, end if it does, let's hope it's just one and not all of them combined. So, what can happen? 

  • Zombie Apocalypse

Everybody knows this story. Somebody becomes a zombie in some way, and somehow manages to infect a few people, which in turn infect a few other people, and so, the bloodbath begins and zombies manage to conquer the entire world. Few survivor groups are left, scavenging what's left of food and trying to look for communities amongst the chaos. The bloodbath makes it all the more impressive.
  • Nuclear Holocaust

A bunch of countries somehow get into strong disagreements and decide to nuke out. Some people will survive in bunkers, others will survive by pure luck, and in a matter of a few hundred years, everything will have changed, creatures will have mutated, and everybody gets a strenght boost or cancer. 
  • Beginning of WWIII

Same premise of the nuclear holocaust, but instead of nuclear bombs, infantry simple slaughters civilization and whatever survivors there are will try to rebuild on the rubbles of the war, or live opressed under the country that won the war. 
  • Sudden Ice Age

The world freezes its ass over and many species die, few will adapt and survive, and creatures will become furry and huge and fatty again. Humans can survive this one if they prepare themselves right. 
  • Meteoryte

There's no saving yourself from a meteoryte. If it crashes, we die. If we blow it up, it comes in mini-asteroids, and we die. 

  • Planet X

There's 11 planets according to ancient sumerians. The tenth one could have been the moon, but nobody knows where the eleventh is, and it could possibly crash into our planet and kill us all. 
  • Extreme Global Warming

See: Sudden Ice Age. Read: The opposite. 
  • Fine Tuning of the Universe

All the constants that let our universe be what it is are finely tuned, and if they change just a little, everything will cease to exist. If they decrease, all the energy that lets matter exist won't be there. If it increases, stars will burn up in seconds. And guess what, it's increasing. 
  • Infertility Problem

Men appear to be shooting blanks now. That's kind of it. 
  • Gliese-710
Yo mama so fat they call her Gliese-710
A huge star that has such a fat ass that it will pass close to our solar system, and with pure gravity, undo it. 
  • Large Hadron Collider Accident

It will create a black hole and we all die. 
  • Spontaneous Black Hole Generation

Read: Large Hadron Collider Accident.
  • Grain
The horror.
Grain will cover the earth. Everywhere, every single crevice the planet has, and its dryness will cause fires that can spread through a whole continent or two at at time. Good bread, though. 
  • Nanobots (Grey Goo)

Nanobots will be able to create other nanobots and these in turn will create other nanobots. If one escapes, it is estimated that in 72 hours the whole world will be nanobots, or basically, grey goo. If anything from outside lands, it will become nanobots too. 
  • Attack of the Dolphins
Day 40: Humans haven't noticed I am a dolphin.
They will arise and conquer the world. 
  • Return of the Spice Girls

  • Judgement Day

God will revert to Old Testament Mode and get pissed off at everybody and will send Death, Famine, Plague and War for no reason to kill everybody who isn't a Catholic and every Catholic who has ever sinned. Which means everybody. The seas will turn red, as will the moon (fuck yes), and in the end, seven angels will play their trumpets and everything will have been divinely fucked up. 
  • Aliens

They can take many shapes, forms, sizes, colors, but they will come here and kill us. 
  • Subterranean Apocalypse

Creatures will rise up from the underground and kill us, like in Gears of War. 
  • Matrix Apocalypse (Virtual Reality)
Let it be this. 
There's a 20% chance we're living in a virtual reality and the apocalypse has already happened. (Cheat codes, anyone?)
  • The Singularity

Machines will rise and kill us. 
  • Plague
Twelve times shall the clock tick. 
Some unknown virus will appear and fuck everything up. 
  • Rise of the Apes
This really happened.
Monkeys will fuck everything up. 
  • Rise of the Sloths
It will be over.

Friday, December 14, 2012

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Movie Review: The Hobbit

           It's a good day for the world, people, it's Friday, but more specifically, Friday December the fourteenth, and if any of you are wondering whether it's worth the trouble to go check out the new movie based on Tolkein's stories, The Hobbit, then yes, do so. Martin Freeman's acting as Bilbo Baggins, well, it was unexpectedly good, and Ian Mckellen is a good actor whenever he appears. 

Andy Serkis makes an interesting appearance too.
           The movie goes back to a similar style as to which the Fellowship of the Ring had, which had more of a fantasy feeling than the other two movies, which had more themes of warfare. It follows the tale of Bilbo Baggins, the uncle of Frodo, upon whom fate entrusts an adventure into the unknown. He follows thirteen dwarfs, including Thorin Oakenshield, who seeks to reclaim his land from Smaug the dragon, Gloin, who some know as Gimli's father, and with them also travels Gandalf the Grey. 

            I really loved this movie, you cannot imagine how much. You could feel the elements of the original children's story, and yet it had the maturity that Peter Jackson and his fellow writers, including Guillermo del Toro, have put into the script. If anything, the film's a bit long, but damn you, this is a Peter Jackson movie based on Tolkein, there's no other way to watch it. The beginning's also a bit slow, but it does have a nice buildup, one, I believe, that will continue to the end of the trilogy, and it is one end I yearn to see.

Have I forgot to mention? There is also mistery... I for one, am curious about
the Necromancer of Dol Guldur.

Monday, December 10, 2012

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How To: Appreciate Death Metal

         Knowing how the general population is, a lot of you hate metal, let alone death metal. But is death metal simply about who screams in the most beastly way and who can play fastest and crappiest? Hell no, there's a lot of technical considerations when it comes to death metal, so don't complain and listen for the following. 

So intense you will guitar face.
           The most noticeable thing for many people is, of course, the singer. How can you even understand the music if you can't hear what the singer says? It's quite simple: since it's really hard, just enjoy it. The fact that he (sometimes she)'s singing like that means that it probably took them years to master. If you don't believe me, try it. There's been a few frontmen who ended up bleeding from their throats, so appreciate that, you bastard.

It's pure passion.
             As for guitar, well, this is probably the most technical genre for guitar after jazz. Why? There's a lot to learn if you want to play death metal. Just like a vocalist, a guitar player has years to endure to be able to play death metal. You have to be able to sustain speed, wail on the guitar, do things like sweeping, etc., and it's probably even harder for bass players; they do almost the same things, the difference is that the bass players can't lose their rhythm and the strings are way thicker. 

Just look at any video by Meghan the Metal Queen'

She will beat your ass any day of the week on guitar. 
             Now, listen to any death metal song and you're going to immediatly notice the drums. I'll be damned if you don't think the drummers rock. It's probably the hardest thing, it's consuming both physically and mentally. In all the metal concerts i've been, the most tired member at the end is the drummer. 

Look. At. It.
          Considering all of this, listen to a song and you will notice, it seems hard to play. Yes, it is. I just fucking told you like a minute ago. That's when you will notice all the effort that goes into playing that. I will leave you a small, yet comprehensive list for death metal/similar bands so you can listen well.

  • Lamb of God
  • Arsis
  • Cannibal Corpse
  • Morbid Angel
  • Slayer (Some material is thrash, some death)
  • Hypocrisy
  • The Haunted
  • Dethklok
  • Amon Amarth
  • Deicide
  • Obscura
  • Opeth
  • Vader
  • Godflesh
  • Arch Enemy
I've been waiting for an opportunity to use this picture.