Wednesday, January 9, 2013

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How To: Burn Fat

Shocking fat person picture number one.
         Hey there. If you're reading this, I'm assuming that at least some of you have a few pounds you want to get rid of (No, I am not calling you fat, paranormal woman. Yes, I know who you are.) How can you trust me? This year I lost twenty kilograms, or about 45 pounds. If I could do that, then you can do it too. I'm not getting into specifics, but hear me out. If you don't believe me, here's a before and after pic.

Yup. That's me. Like I said, if I could do it, you can do it, too.

I know what you're thinking.
I know a few people who have done it too. This guy, for example, was one of the guys who inspired me:
No, I am not shitting you.

       There is no secret. There is no magic recipe. No secret formula. No pill. No wonder. No miracle. It's just you and your calories, and the secret to losing weight is consuming less calories than you burn every single day. Now, how does that work? Pay attention. 

You can't pay attention if you're hearing crunching, damn it.
        Imagine your body is a bank. The currency is calories, and whenever there's a surplus, there's nothing for them to do so they just get fucking stashed there in a vault. The vault is your body and the calories are stashed in fat like money is stashed in whatever the hell it's stashed. The thing is, it accumulates. What does that mean for you? Abundance. Of fat. In your stomach. And thighs. And pretty much everywhere else, you fat bastard. 

Do fat people deserve the hate? Well, you can actually stop eating.
         What can you do about it? Make good choices. Instead of, say, those scrumptious five slices of pizza, have three of those and a salad to fill yourself up. Sushi? Eat it raw. French fries? Don't supersize them. Chicken? Take the skin off. That kind of thing, those kinds of small changes are very important. If you drink a lot of coke, get diet coke, trust me, you'll get used to it, normal coke will disgust you, you will literally (Read: figuratively) vomit because of all the sugar. Beer? Light beer. 

This here. This shit right here. It's a goddamn miracle and it's time you saw that.
        Also, exercise regularly, and I'm not saying fucking destroy your muscles in a day so you can't move the rest of the week. Go slow. Start with thirty minute walks. Then one hour walks. Then jog a bit, you know, go up the ranks, and you'll get used to it. And when you get hungrier, eat until you're satisfied, not until you're full, and if you're still hungry, drink water or diet coke or some shit. 

Water: That loaf of bread restaurants give, but for skinny people.
       Those small changes are more than enough for you to lose a bit of those extra pounds. I lost weight while eating hamburgers, tacos, sushi, hell, sometimes I even ate pizza, which is a buttload of calories. You can have your cake and eat some of it too, but don't eat it all. As you can see, it's not even torture, it's just a matter of making the right choices bit by bit. It takes a whole lot of an effort to be thin, but trust me, once you lose weight, you realize, it takes a whole lot of an effort to be fat, too. So, what are you going to work for?

So yeah, bring it on.