Sunday, August 4, 2013

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How To: Survive A Shark Attack

          Well, it seems, according to some posts I've read on facebook, that it's shark week! So, yeah, I guess some homage to these scary bastards wouldn't be so bad, and the sort of tribute I'm paying them is showing you how to deny them a meal!

None of my delicious gluteus for you, Mr. Shark.
        So you're swimming on some beach, in some ocean, who gives a shit, you see a fin on the water. Thinking it's your stupid cousin or whatever, you ignore it, and then you see that terror-inducing silhouette below the fin and think: "Well, now I'm screwed". But wait! You can still save yourself!

*dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun*
           First of all, you have to understand that sharks usually don't eat humans and will attack humans when they confuse them with other animals such as seals (So if a shark attacks you, it probably means you need to lose some weight. That's why the shark's there, though). Still, there's more of a chance of lightning striking you than some hammerhead nibbling on your buttocks.

There's an even lesser chance of some shark-related natural disaster such as the above or the sharkquake.
         Can you prevent it, though? Yes. Stay away from steep drops, between sandbars, you know, wherever the beast fits. Also, most attacks happen in warm places such as Florida, Hawaii, California, Australia, South Africa, you know, those places where kids love to go.

You know, that sort of place.
          But out of thousands of species, only 20 shark types appear to attack human, and out of those, 4 actually kill humans, so who are these nifty not-so-little monsters?

           Well, the most infamous is the Great White. You know the type. Huge buster, almost half a ton of weight, and still, it can swim faster sleeping than you will with an adrenaline rush.

Bring it.
             Another one is the Tiger Shark, who has stripes while it's young reminiscent of a tiger. They reach speeds of 20 mph and their bones can cut through turtle shells. You're not wearing turtle shells? Well, don't worry, as a weak sack of flesh you wouldn't suffer long.

Frankly I'd be scared with one of these.
              The Bull Shark is as ferocious as it sounds, but wait! This one can get into freshwater and will go to rivers just because. And, coincidentally, this shark has been involved in the most near-shore attacks on humans. 

             The Oceanic Whitetip Shark, though, with its stupidly long fins, has attacked more humans than all the others combined. It tends to attack people in boat accidents.

            Now, an attack can come provoked or unprovoked. Yeah, it's self-explanatory. The provoked happens when some dumbass thinks it's a good idea to ride on one of the sharks and grabs its tail or whatever. There are three sort of unprovoked attacks, though.

Hey, Joe, cut it off, man.
Damn it, I told you I hate your songs, Joe! I swear I'll eat you one of these days.
            There's one which people call the Hit and Run. The shark wants to figure what you are, takes a small nibble, and when it sees there isn't near enough fat to feed, it goes away for ever. Then there's the Bump & Bite, which is the shark circling around you, bumping into you a few times, messing with you. Then it bites again and again until either he's bored or you die.

This is a victim of a hit and run.
           Then, the sneak attack. Not unlike the Hit & Run, but the first word you can change to Devour. Yup, the shark simply comes up, bites you and gets out of there. This one has the most fatalities, of course.

          So, again, preventative measures? Swim during the daylight, don't swim if there's a goddamn shark around, stay in a group, don't wander into deeper water, don't fucking bleed in the ocean, that's like telling them that you're hot and ready to serve, don't pee in the water, don't wear bright jewelry (Who does that while swimming, anyway?), and of course, if there are fishermen then be careful because they can drop off a lot of meat. 

Now, we're ready. You know thy enemy, now it's time to fend it off. 

             If there's a rock or something put your back on it. This reduces the beast's angles of attack. Now, when the bastard gets near, give it to him. Don't be a dumb asshole and try to hit the thing on the nose. Your fist can slip off into its mouth. Try to poke its eyes out or hit it in the gills. Resist the temptation to bite them off, though. You get to eat the shark if you kill it, trying it before is just stupid.

Time for a spinal fracture smackdown!
              Of course, if you can get your hands on a weapon, use it. A rock, stick, your goggles, a camera, a bazooka, I don't care, if you can get ahold you use it. If you don't, use your hands, like a man. If you're a woman, hopefully you have claws. Be creative. And don't do anything elaborate, use jabs (straight, forward hits), if not you'll lose some vital speed. 

Weak bitch.
              Don't give up, of course. If you give the creature enough trouble it'll look for some easier food (a fat seal, maybe). If you survive then get the hell out of the water immediately because you're pretty likely to bleed, and like I said, that's like putting salt on your ass and telling them to come and get you while you're hot. 

Fee-fi-fo *sniff* ew, no, that's a period.
             Once you're done, and you survive, then you have your bragging rights. Get a shark tattoo, show your scars, and of course, develop an awesome bar story. Or write a novel, you earned it.

Get this gnarly tat.